Anonymous asked: What/who will you miss the most when you leave for MIT?
I don’t know what I’ll miss the most. It’s hard to categorize things in this abstract manner of importance, meaning, strength, or any other relevant units of measurement. And right now, that sense that I’m really leaving hasn’t really hit me yet, so I just can’t realize how much I’m going to miss things yet either. I just have that general knowledge that I’m going to miss home and everything and everyone that’s a part of it every once in a while.
But one of the things I think I’ll miss a lot is boba. I’ve had so many boba trips with friends where we grab some iced milk drinks and sit and sip and spill our hearts out to each other. And every other weekend when my brother comes home from UCLA, he takes me out to get boba because he misses it, too. And just drinking boba always makes me happy, too, because I just really like it. And I just don’t think the Boston/Cambridge area will be able to offer the boba that the San Gabriel Valley does.
I kept seeing signs. They were telling me to follow my dream now that it’s come true. I kept seeing signs. They were telling me to go, to run towards the horizon, to run far away from home. I kept seeing signs. They were telling me that it’s fate. Fate played out in my favor. Everything aligned, even the signs. It’s what you’ve always wanted, they whispered, and now you can have it. I believed they were signs. I wanted to believe them. I kept seeing signs. But my eyes were blurry and my mind was closed. I couldn’t make up my mind. Maybe I was in love, and maybe I gave it up. I was in a beautiful place, and it wasn’t the place of my dreams. I knew I couldn’t, no, I wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t be going anywhere. But I would have learned so much and known so much. I had to give it up. I never thought it would be given to me. And so I never dreamt of it. It was more than a dream come true. It was an impossibility. And it was mine. But I kept seeing signs. Maybe I didn’t see anything but a stubborn dream that wouldn’t let me wake up. My eyes were closed. My mind was subconsciously working. I kept seeing signs.
Anonymous asked: In your opinion, what's your purpose of living? In other words, what goals do you strive for in life?
I don’t know. I’ve never really had any serious goals.
You do the things you do not meaning to do any of it but doing it anyways. I think that’s the point of doing things. You don’t strive for some end product. You do it just because you do. Any rewards are no cause for celebration or elation; they are merely reasons to smile and motivation to keep doing. All things should be done out of character and nature. All other fuel fuels failure.
Today was a good day. I’m going to miss spending lunchtimes in the library and having school rallies. I am exhausted. I am touched. I have not brought coffee to school this week. I am taken aback by cheering and crushed by the best hugs. I am happy for people.
People are so nice it kills me. A stranger congratulates me in the restroom. Friends clap and cheer and even cook. Someone confides and another cries. I cherish everything.
I felt so shy and everything was blurry.
Thanks for all the hugs today guys. I love hugs.
“It may be important to great thinkers to examine the world, to explain and despise it. But I think it is only important to love the world, not to despise it, not for us to hate each other, but to be able to regard the world and ourselves and all beings with love, admiration and respect” (119). —Siddhartha
And while I was sitting on the windowsill charging my phone and ipod from the power box underneath the waiting chairs in the airport gate, I thought that if I ever travel in the future, I’d have to do it in April, when I could look around and see children visiting their dream colleges, already decked out in spirited school sweaters, and just be happy for them like people were happy for me.
we saw the western coast, i saw the hospital, nurse the shoreline like a wound
And as I pondered on how I’ve never had a month as discouraging and disappointing as this one before, I reflected too on my observations of the world and realized that it is impossible for me not to be optimistic.
As a general habit, I think too much and sleep too little.
But I had too many doubts and I hesitated too long
I believed in doing what I feel is right even if it feels wrong
And it took me a while to make up my mind
But I don’t think I can change it this time
I don’t quite understand why I am doing this when I obviously don’t want to. I don’t know why I get so overwhelmed so easily lately. I don’t think this is right, but I think to change it would be wrong.
Everything feels so big that it’s suffocating. Everyone worries through anger. Everywhere feels like nowhere and home is in my bedroom.
I should have said no. I should have chosen the other option. I should have waited. I should have listened. I should have thought more, researched more, explored more. I should not have done this.
Strange things have happened. Strangers lose their strangeness. And I feel strangled.
I should not be doing this willingly if it makes me react this way.
I look up to the moon on bad nights and feel relieved. I look up definitions and synonyms when I write out of responsibility. I look up at the sky everyday just to find some reason and meaning.
It is all in a feeling, in living, in containing. But we have cried our eyes out and dried out our lacrimal glands. Our hearts have beaten for far too long, and it’s become so routine and so mundane that we no longer know what we feel. And maybe they are beaten themselves.
I often feel like giving up. I just don’t see how most of what I do is worth it. But I can’t help feeling like it will be. I don’t want to do this. But I probably will.
I am tired.
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Oh, my dear, you should do a lot of things, but there’s nothing to do, so go to sleep.
